WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
