I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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