have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
