Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Randomize
