am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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