She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
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