I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
