I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
