Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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