Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
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