Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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