my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
