just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
