So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
When did we convert life to cartoon?
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
