wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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