i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
I am full of burrito and curiosity
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
