I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
no you cant smoke seaweed
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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