I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
so my class lasted 15 minutes this morning because this kid puked all over himself..only at radford
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
