i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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