Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
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