it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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