Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
