She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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