All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
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