My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
Randomize
