When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
handjob tips. give me some.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Omg I joined a choir last night...
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
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