Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Randomize
