My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Randomize
