y did u give ur computer a hand job?
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
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