Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
