The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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