so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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