when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
