Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
The air was thick with penises
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
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