Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
