Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
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