I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Randomize
