That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
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