When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
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