Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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