this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Randomize
