She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
