Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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