part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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