we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
