he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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