I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Randomize
