i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
