you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
