I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
