Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Randomize
